It has been about 3 years since I last updated this blog. 3 years is a long time to explain, so I’ll just hit some of the highlights.
Remember how I was diagnosed as bipolar rapid cycling? Yeah, well that wasn’t entirely correct. About two years ago I checked myself into a mental hospital, because I was legit suicidal. While there they kept me so drugged to the gills that I hardly remember the experience. However I did get a more accurate diagnosis: Schizoaffective bipolar type, with severe PTSD. Fun right? Yeah, it’s a blast. The voices in my head, the auditory & visual hallucinations, and the crippling agoraphobia all have me trapped in my apartment. I hide from people now more than ever. Sigh.
Suffice to say that this blog will be slightly different now, because so much has changed for me. My new psych meds give me the ability to recognize my hallucinations, and the voices in my head for what they are; not really real. Unfortunately my meds aren’t a cure. There is no cure.
So I will be using this platform to journal, post fiction, and maybe try to write down my crazy dreams. I’ll probably talk about my mental illnesses a lot. I can promise it will all be true accounts from my perspective as an insane man, and I know I’ll get flakk from that.
For whatever reason, the majority of mentally ill people I’ve met in the community don’t like being called crazy, or insane. I just don’t get it. I am the very definition on insanity. Why is that such a bad thing to be?? Why is there such a social stigma about admitting to being mentally ill? I own it. I see, and hear things that aren’t real to anyone but me. That isn’t sanity. So what? So. Effing. What. I am still a father. A husband. An artist. A writer, albeit out of practice. I have a story to tell, and I’m going to tell it.
Also about 2 years ago I gave up paganism. I still believe in the various pantheons of gods, however I said my parting prayers to Odin and his kin. I found Adonai, and Judaism. There is beauty and truth within God. I’ve been reading the Torah, and the Bible off and on for most my life now. Recently I reconnected with Jesus Christ, and accepted him as my savior. I am a messianic Jew. (I.E: a Jew who believes Jesus is the messiah) I’m too in love with the Jewish faith to convert to Christianity, and through Messianic Jewish teachings I am able to follow Christ as a Jewish man.
Weirdly this pisses off a lot of Christians I’ve shared my faith with. I don’t understand it. I’ve been told it isn’t possible to be a Jew, and accept Christ. I’ve been told I’m just a “closet Christian,” or that I’m just Christian, and “being dramatic.” Guess I’ll just have to be an outcast, as usual.
There is a Messianic Jewish Temple about a 30min drive south from me, but I haven’t looked into it yet. I want to talk to my Rabbi first. I hope I’m able to stay at Temple Beth Torah by where I live. I feel God’s presence there.
I know it must be kinda funny to talk about mental illness, and faith in the same blog. Some folks think they are the same thing. I don’t believe that. When I talk to God it isn’t remotely the same as when I talk to the voices in my head. God doesn’t talk back. Haha!
Anyways, I won’t talk too much about my religious beliefs here. I only mention it because it has been a major change in my life.
I think I’ll end here for today. Just a blog to catch up with the last few years. I hope you are doing well, dear reader. God bless.
SilentInsomniac 